Is it a busy weekend at your end?
It was Vesak Day yesterday, which is informally called Buddha’s Birthday.
Yours truly would have been painting the town red for the long weekend if it wasn’t for a flu infection.
Most of you will be well aware of my lifelong sinusitis and bronchial asthma.
What you Don’t know is that I have harboured a secret for years. I am a smoker. Well, was. I have decided to break this habit for good. Fingers tightly crossed.
The past history of bingeing, purging food and emotional eating is Nothing in comparison to the kind of hold smoking has had on me. It has been my emotional crutch. It’s kept me going during stressful situations and the most trying of times.
The first thing ANY doctor will tell an asthmatic – Do Not Smoke. What makes this worse is that someone in my family has died due to lung cancer because of her chain smoking.
You would think that someone with that sort of family health history and a student of human behaviour would know better.
It’d be easier to blame it on the addictive nature of nicotine. I refuse to do so. I’ve not ever called my bluff with this weakness. So this is really hard.
You might be wondering what this would have to do with a plus size fashion blog. Fret not for I am here to enlighten.
When I wanted to avoid midnight snacking and emotional eating, I turned to smoking. It didn’t add calories, It was a temporary stress reliever and it was an easy vice to hide.
I stopped hiding the fact that I was a smoker a few years ago. Just didn’t see the need to carry on a farce. Of course, now that everyone in my social circles know..I have my anti-nicotine preachers and police. It’s a good thing that the secret is out in the open, the support that I will get from this decision to quit for good is going to be handy. I hope.
A past history of violence, some really distressing events, the lack of a support network led to my need for instant gratification. I respect and have come to love my parents..but repercussions from years of fighting, getting beaten, rebelling, crying myself hoarse was massive and it spilled over into every aspect of my life. Losing good people, being targeted by bullies, living with ADHD and struggling in school wasn’t fun either.
Sleep, food, books, music, nicotine, running. These things kept me going. But since the onset of insomnia, sleep was snatched away. With a mishap on one fateful afternoon, I lost the most valuable means of escaping my troubles..running.
I was trying to hold on for dear life. but I didn’t want to give in to the temptation of food..it would make me hate myself so much more.
Smoking didn’t make me hate myself.
When I felt the need to go for an exhilarating run around the neighbourhood, I’d smoke. When sleep eluded me and my thoughts began to pound at my temples, I smoked. When I wanted to open the fridge and guzzle some food down, I smoked. When the depression hit harder on some days, I smoked.
I love my friends, my husband, my family and my pets. But I am unable to really open up about the thoughts, the nightmares, the flashbacks, the emotions that keep me up at night. My life’s past happenings don’t exactly make for happy dinner talk and are harsh doses of a reality that may hit some too close to home for comfort. Where I stub out the pain with a smoke, others do so by only tuning in to happy talk, fun outings, positive news articles. I call it ‘the pseudo happy life bubble’.
Whatever works for the individual I suppose. I do occasionally drown myself in the beauty of melody or the simple sensibilities of words. But there needs to be a few more constant and strong means to keep me from caving into having the bad stuff.
So this is my confession and my new lease. I will spend the rest of 2013 working through the blog, finding good habits that will replace the horrid ones that have done me no good.
As I have mentioned before, things have turned around since I turned 30 and decided to take charge. There have been formidable shifts in my mindset, choices and habits. But some of the icky stuff did fall through the cracks, and it’s those icky things that now have my attention.
Smoking is not a worthy replacement of a good night’s rest or running. Feeling good in your skin will not be possible if you’re not doing all that you can to lead a healthier lifestyle. By that you know that I don’t mean being on a diet – diet culture should be abolished. Nor do I mean you should be in a gym 6 days in a week – lets not go cray cray please.
It is a mind-body paradigm shift.
For those of you out there who are struggling with making necessary, permanent changes to their existence – remember that you have so much more going for you than you give yourself credit for and you deserve the good things in life.
The good things in life come for free but they do come at the price of making sacrifices. But I’d rather make those sacrifices than not reap the benefits of making wise choices.
Your body may make you sexy,
Your face may make you pretty,
Your smile may make you gorgeous,
but your mind makes your beautiful.
I hope I’ve made some sense?
Love your curves my darlings and Be kind to one another 🙂