How’s the new week coming along?
I am resting at home today, time of the month…ugh. My symptoms are more pronounced and intense so I usually need to rest it out for a day or two.
Like I said in my previous post, I have been feeling a little downtrodden of late. The festive season has it’s negatives.
Because in my mind’s eye, I know that I look pretty alright. But the onlookers have a contrasting point of view of course.
I keep my relatives and family friends away from my life because of the hurt and drama they have stirred up in the past. You will not believe the nerve some of these people have. I was a late bloomer with academia due to my ADHD. An uncle remarked to my father “maybe she is ‘slow'”. I think you can read between the lines there. These people used to draw comparisons between my younger sister and I all the time, and boy did they enjoy it.
See the thing is, my baby sister is taller and slimmer. Between the two of us there is no love lost, but the people around us constantly annoyed us with making us feeling inferior. They would deliver their jibes with a smile. My younger cousins had no respect for me because they often heard their parents putting me down. In an Indian family if you don’t make the grades in school, don’t excel at extracurricular activities, don’t ‘respect’ your elders, don’t look svelte, fair-complexioned or are devoid of acne – there must be something very wrong with you.
The saddest part was not getting the support or backing that I needed from my parents. It would have made such a difference to have had their patience and understanding. They allowed the spectators to make biased judgement and have those baseless comments affect the way They regarded me.
I think one of the saddest days of my life was the day I asked my mother – Will you love me more if I get better grades? Her reply was a Yes. I crumpled into sobs on my bed, hating everything about myself.
I spent years mired in self loathing, self harm and fear. Suffocated and shackled by the pain from the words and accusations.
Today, my relatives and family friends berate me because I have created a firewall around my life, refusing to speak with them or see them. They decided to play nice when they saw that I was making something out of my life, when I shed the pounds, when I got married to a man who loves me beyond measure. My parents often chide my obstinate decision to stay away from this group of people..explaining that they have mellowed, they are far nicer and mean no harm. Yeah, right.
Some damage just cannot be undone.
It took me a very long time to forgive my parents for the years of beatings and emotional pain. The scars are invisible but the pain sears through on occasion.
I have no reserve left in me to give the rest of the wrongdoers a chance.
Recently, I posted a video for my friend Michelle of the blog Zaftig Times. She started an initiative called the 3 word project. I had to say three words that people used to describe my plus sized body, and then say three words that I now use to describe my body.
The three words people have used :
1) Unhealthy – being plus sized must mean that I am riddled by illness, unfit and do not lead a healthy lifestyle
2) Embarassing – my body should be worked on through slimming regimes. The last thing it should be is flaunted.
3) Unlovable – I recall a cousin saying years ago “She is never going to find a guy who will love her”. My parents shared the same train of thought. I am not fair enough, not slim, not pretty enough. No man would ever find me desirable. No company would hire a fat person because they see us as liabilities. People would not respect me or regard me in a good light.
Seriously these people have their priorities in life All Wrong. Not appearing ‘acceptable’ is a felony according to them.
I have fleeting moments of wishing I could take the next flight out of here, forget about my relationships here and just start anew.
But that sounds too much like the witness protection program.
So I am living in the here and now.
Easing my menstruation-Induced migraine, easing the cramps, easing my disposition.
I am a plus sized woman who is a part of an ongoing global revolution to stop fat shaming and self hate. My voice will not be muted, My ambitions will not be dimmed.
I will Persevere.