A few days left before the year is ushered in. Always makes one more thoughtful doesn’t it? It’s 2 days before bday number 32 as well.
It’s the time we take stock of the year that has passed. I wonder if I did all that I could have done to maximise my self-progress this year.
Frankly, I think the blog has really kept me afloat. Having chronic depression and being a fashion & lifestyle blogger make for the strangest bed fellows.
There have been days where waking up has been the hardest thing to do. Facing the mirror, watching my weight loss journey digress has been difficult. But the journey through the blog has made me more aversive to self degradation.
You have to understand, I spent 2 decades mired in self loathing. It’s not going to disappear without a trace so quickly.
I do know that I am at times, my own worst enemy and harshest critic. Which is an improvement because I said ‘at times’.
I think loved ones have a hard time trying to adapt to the changes that have surfaced within me. I do not allow Any fat shaming talk, or any person shaming talk for that matter. I just cannot tolerate it. I have become distant towards the people that continue to view me based on my size and lifestyle.
I have always wondered why people make it their business to tell you that you’ve gotten fat or slim. It’s not a good opening line for a conversation with me, and it certainly is Not an invitation to pursue that line of conversation.
I get the occasional ‘hints’ at my diet and vehemence with not being the societal ideal of slim. I get the digs and sideways glances, I get blatantly stared at and whispers fly all over the place.
But do you know what?
I now also get appreciative, respectful gazes. I get looks of surprise and awe Because I refuse to be bullied into a slimmer physique. I get appraising looks from my peers and strangers alike because I know how to clothe myself in ways that become my curves. Like Tim Gunn says – “Make It Work!” That’s kind of like a motto I have.
I know and understand that you might not appreciate my personal disappointment with not having stayed the course with shedding pounds. But please do know that it is imperative in my case to be mindful of my health. I have so many health conditions and it’s like walking on eggshells all day and night.
I wish I didn’t have lousy metabolism.
But I do, so I do watch what I eat. But do I indulge? Hells Yes. I will always be a foodie, emotional eating is a whole other thing.
I wish I wasn’t an asthmatic, didn’t have a hundred allergies and didn’t have badly injured feet. But some things are innate or irreversible.
So I MAKE IT WORK.
The thing about having led a hard knocked life and having lost so many good people to the inevitable end in the circle of life is that I can deal with the big stuff. I can un-complicate extremely confusing life puzzles.
It’s the little nuances that get me bothered. That’s where I lose my patience.
But life isn’t always going to throw me a massive curveball just so that I can learn from that, catch a few floating epiphanies and become a better version of me. Life doesn’t work that way. And seriously, who in their right minds wants to be dealt serious curveballs Everytime they get complacent or disillusioned ???
I’ll be honest here : I have always been the kind of kid who needed a kick in the butt before I got the idea and got moving. I am adept with making the ideas a reality and doing the chugging along…if my butt gets kicked. I don’t quite know what to call this. Laziness?
But Im not lazy. Complacency? But I do not rely on my good fortunes and sit pretty. Is it Fear? Is it Low self esteem?
Well whatever this trait is, it’s not working. There is SO much that I can be doing. Im not saying Should because I really hate the “shoulds coulds woulds”. I’ve spent my life rebelling against those 3 words.
I guess it’s time to stop analysing (something I can win an award for), assessing (an award worthy act) and ruminating (oh don’t get me started on this habit).
I firmly do not believe in resolutions.
I don’t do goals and targets.
So I guess I know what needs to be done for 2014.
MAKE IT WORK
Whatever it is that requires that effort, just make it work.