So this is a personal update kind of post and if it’s not your thing, it’s okay! Been meaning to get this done for a while.
So guess the last time I wrote anything personal was quite a while ago. It’s been another season of changes. We cannot move forward without changes. At times these changes hurt at the beginning and need some time to get used to. At other times it’s just a matter of embracing a new pace of living.
My mother was unwell at the end of last year; she had a number of falls that led to a hip fracture which required surgery. She was struggling for quite a while after that. With physiotherapy and just practice and her will to walk better, she has made remarkable strides. It’s a few days to Mother’s Day and as your moms catch up on age, you really treasure every single day, month, year of being able to celebrate them.
Last December was more than just the usual month of introspection before the arrival of a new year and my birthday. There was an unsettling ominous feeling that would not escape me and it muddled my senses. Sometimes before an upsetting event or series of events, these instincts kick in.
Basically, the start of 2016 saw the demise of a few relationships I considered to last for life. There was a lot of hurt, there were many questions, it felt like a betrayal. There will not be a group of friends I am exclusive to, ever again, not under my watch. Because when it goes to shit for you, it throws you into a tailspin. You question All of your relationships. You question the authenticity of them, the trust and faith you have placed. While acknowledging that you are not the victim but a part of the problem. There is gratitude for the happy years and there is an acceptance that this is the way it must be now. Not everyone who traipses into your bubble will stay. I read this passage online and it is so apt:
“Maybe we’ll meet again, when we are older and our minds less hectic and I’ll be right for you and you’ll be right for me. But right now, I am a chaos to your thoughts and you are poison to my heart”
It takes a lot of coaxing to urge your heart to open up to people after being hurt to the point of disillusionment. But I have allowed myself to let nature take its course and find myself and others while healing.
And I had quite a few distractions to keep me busy. A few weeks after the incident above and my decision to leave the table, I began struggling with shortness of breath and chest pains brought on by a flu virus. As an asthmatic I know it is common for my lungs to flare up during a bout of flu but this did not feel like a regular flare. I had an attack in the middle of the day and while using the nebuliser to get a grip on my breathing, I had a violent cough and a horrible pain seized my ribcage. The pain and wheezing persisted despite the midday nebuliser and I had to rush to the hospital in the wee hours of the night. What followed was a drowsy series of nebulisers, tests, x Ray’s and a whole lot of medication. In hindsight, I should have taken an ambulance And warded myself in for at least a day or two. But I do detest hospitals
Basically it was a life threatening series of attacks and my ribcage was inflamed. It took me a full month to breathe easy again. It was scary, that morning at the hospital. I would not stop crying and I usually leave the crying for behind closed doors when I’m alone.
I write for a number of publications and at this time, I was unable to do so for a while. That made me feel terribly restless but the hubster and family reminded me I had to take care of myself first.
My struggle with fertility has upset my chances at motherhood for quite a while. I suffer from PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), Endometriosis and PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder). These ailments basically give me all kinds of grief a week or two before my time of the month. Migraines are a common symptom during this dreaded time and in the month of March, there was a persistent migraine that lasted over a week. I tried to be patient but grew alarmed after noticing a swelling at the back of my head. The hubster was not taking any chances so I was back at the hospital running tests. Not fun.
Apparently the prolonged migraine caused a swelling in the brain exterior. Which explained my blurry vision and extreme pain at my neck and shoulders, as well as inability to stare at the computer or television screen. It was a kind of infection and I was prescribed horse power antibiotics among other things.
After three months of barely being productive thanks to poor health, I began to grow anxious about the break. What if people have forgotten about my work? Social media has such a short attention span.
It took a while to consider tackling fashion posts and articles. What propelled me was looking back at the body of work amassed from the past. Then, the irrational fears subsided. It wasn’t as if I had lost my passion or creativity.
So the first quarter of 2016 was rather melodramatic! But I’m here now, moving onwards. With fresh perspective. Thank you for staying on, I am very grateful. Thank you so much for your supportive comments.
It is easy to lose the plot and find yourself tangled in a mess of emotions and problems. The remedy here is to redirect your focus on the beautiful parts of life. The intangibles. The little pleasures and blessings.